PrismaCorp Training Tape · Side A
Please be kind, rewind.
A friendly warning: this tape is intended for volunteers, future volunteers, and anyone who wandered in. Unauthorised folding of chairs is encouraged.
The screen: a blue screen that says No tape.
Turn the knob until the picture is clear. (It’s in the middle. It’s always in the middle.)
Chapter 1 of 5
Narrator: Hi there! Welcome to the team. You're about to become a volunteer. And that's totally radical.
On screen: Glint, the PrismaCorp mascot, in a blue blazer with shoulder pads, bouncing next to a speech bubble that says Radical!
Chapter 2 of 5
Narrator: Folding tables are heavy. Bend at the knees, not the back. And never lift alone. Lift with a buddy!
On screen: split screen. On the left, a volunteer lifts a folding table with their back, marked with a red X. On the right, a volunteer lifts with their knees, marked with a green check.
Chapter 3 of 5
Narrator: This is your name badge. Wear it up high, where folks can see it. It tells everyone who you are. Neat!
On screen: a giant name badge reading Hello, my name is: You!
Chapter 4 of 5
Narrator: Never set up alone. Find a buddy. Your buddy has your back, and you have theirs. Teamwork!
On screen: two volunteers carry a long folding table together under a heart.
Chapter 5 of 5
Narrator: Two volunteers. One granola bar. What do we do? We split it, and we talk it out. Conflict resolved!
On screen: two volunteers at a snack table with one granola bar between them and a dotted line down the middle. Caption: half plus half equals one happy team.
End of tape
Narrator: That's the end of the tape. You're oriented! And remember: please be kind, rewind.
PrismaCorp · Department of Orientation · Est. 1987 (on tape)
This certifies that
A Valued Volunteer
has watched Volunteer Orientation (1987), lifted with their knees, worn their badge up high, found a buddy, and split the granola bar.
Pop quizzes passed: 0 of 5. Every score is a passing score.
GlintHead of Orientation
Oriented ✓Pending: pop quizzes
The CrewWitnesses
Valid forever. Laminate for best results. Not a real qualification; a real welcome.
The next volunteer will thank you. Rewinding plays every chapter title backwards, as nature intended.
Real orientation is friendlier, shorter and has better snacks. Come and fold chairs with us.